Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
you had me at cake vodka
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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