just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
