Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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