At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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