how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
