Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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