Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize