I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
