You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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