worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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