I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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