I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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