he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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