He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize