I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
