remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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