ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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