i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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