it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
