what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
