i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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