If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
