I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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