Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
