and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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