I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
