life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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