i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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