I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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