yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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