FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
