Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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