She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
