life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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