I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
