Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
