Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
This gyro tastes like lonliness
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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