"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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