Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Found your dick twin last night
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
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