You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
