I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
