Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
