I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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