I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Someone shattered a urinal.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
