I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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