We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
