the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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