I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
