You made me cry and you don't even care
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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