you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize