I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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