Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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