Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
