I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
