mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
