It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I think my fart just growled at me.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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