you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
