dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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